My Friend Dave

Friend? Can I call him that? Really?

As I walked to church, bundled in my leather coat, neck swathed in my cashmere "Irelandseye" scarf, from a recent trip to that inspiring nation, I came across Dave. He was standing in front of MacDonald's, looking cold, with his hands tucked into his dirty coat pockets, as they often are when he is standing along Princess or Montreal Street.

"Hi! How are you?"

"Good", I responded.

'Good'; that's my usual response, always said with a smile. (Dave and I are neighbours of sorts.) Normally, I immediately regret having quickly walked by and not asked him the same. This day, perhaps because it was Sunday, I don't know, I turned, and said:

"How are you?"

"Good!” he said enthusiastically.

I wondered how he could possibly be good, as I continued past a spa, Tim Horton's and the Asian Grocery Store. I was just left thinking: if he's good, then I need to snap out of it and stop thinking about all the things in my life that are not perfect, or that keep me up at night. As I walked on, feeling smug for having engaged in a rare two-way conversation-of-sorts with Dave, I began the motion of crossing to the other side of the street, just in time to walk past several homeless men, who by 10am, have to be out of the Harbour Lights Shelter where they've just slept in a warm bed. What did I do? Imperceptibly, I hope, I jerked my body back to the north side of the road, so that I wouldn't have to walk past them. (I always feel so conflicted in these situations.) Instantly, I felt ashamed, knowing that my simple 'how are you' back at Dave, a few moments before, had brought a wide smile to his face. Within minutes, having arrived, I looked up, and the sign at the road in front of my place of worship, on this Sunday, said: "The best vitamin for a friend is to B1."

Somehow, in that moment, it felt like a scolding.

Winter fun!

A January trip to New York City meant meeting a few friends, some online connections, some not...To the right is Bettina.  We'd had lunch at The Spotted Pig in Greenwich Village, where this picture was taken....a massive burger that neither of us could finish.  Bettina graciously took Monday off to visit, after a weekend of skiing in Vermont with the New York Swiss Ski Club. We tried to make a ski weekend work for both of us but we could never quite get in sync. Next year!  After a long walk through the Meatpacking District and along the new High Line Park she patiently waited for me while I sorted out my return ticket fiasco.  Thanks again girl, and I hope all visa issues are soon sorted out; Dumbo just wouldn't be the same without you

Although, I didn't get a pic with her, I met up with Heather from the Break-Up Cookbook.  We had coffee at Tazza on Henry St, in Brooklyn Heights, and did what women do the first time they meet: shared the pain of lost love! I came home and cooked my favourite Thai meatballs, picture and all, and have yet to submit it to her site because the sauce in the pic is a pukey orange colour.  See.....

The other major cool event of the weekend, where people are concerned involved a double date, set up by Mr Claude.  He and his wife Martha, introduced me to Rex.  I won't bore you with all the gory details, suffice it to say that once again the food and company were wonderful!  Rex is a regular at a place called the Noodle Pudding and they treated us like royalty.  We waddled out of there and over to Jack the Horse Tavern for a drink and great conversation.

Throughout the weekend, I went to see Placido Domingo in Verdi's Simon Boccanegra at The Metropolitan Opera.....wow, just wow....that's as deep as I can get.  Saw an Off-Broadway production of Our Town 3.5/5 and Earnest in Love 5/5, ate or had a drink at One if by Land, Two if by Sea, Cafe Loup, and bought more used books on Atlantic Ave.  The rest of my time was spent walking across the Brooklyn Bridge between Dumbo and Greenwich, and pretending like I lived there!

Before and after NYC, were visits to Rhode Island to see my sister and her family.  Rachel and I got to have fries at McDonald's, go to Chuck E Cheese and I was asked to be Matthew's Godmother. We had great chats and it was nice to spend time with my sis and her babies!

Early in March, Cantabile Choirs had the privilege of hosting, Mr Bob Chilcott for our 2010 concert series. After a beer at The Pilot House, it was decided that I should indulge Bob's appetite the next day, for sushi. So we did just that, and I had the pleasure of getting to know Bob, and of hearing his many experiences conducting choirs around the world, primarily with youth singers. The boys also got to spend time with him, and to get to know him on a level that cannot happen during rehearsals. It was indeed a special honour for all of us, and I hope, the beginning of a lifelong friendship.

During the March Break this year, we went skiing in Mont Tremblant.  Good time was had by all!  It was great weather 5-11C the highs every day, and morning skiing was awesome.  You will see from the picture that Ben broke his clavicle on his first day out.  As I visited the medical centre and drove by Quintessence, it was hard not to remember the tragic accident of Natasha Richardson there one year ago. 

Passages from a book to share with you

These are passages that I read in a book called, Shifting Sands by Steve Donoghue. Interwoven into the book is his story about crossing the desert as a young man, and rather than use the usual comparison with climbing mountains, he compares life's experiences to those of crossing a desert. Very interesting. Some of the passages would make more sense if you'd read what came before, but you will get the just and I recommend his book for something different, yet of value, in the self-help dept. Of course, I was thinking of myself, and where I'm at in my life when I chose to highlight these, however, you may find something that touches you wherever you are at, at this moment in your journey.

All the best, your nomad, Steph

Acceptance, even direction can emerge from within if we can just be with ourselves for a while.

The right kind of support helps us be alone. A terminal patient can face the aloneness of death with a friend or even a stranger such as a hospice volunteer by her side.


Often, in the desert of marriage, we lose ourselves in the other and forget who we are.



When we step away from our campfire, things happen that we can't predict or control. That's one of the reasons why we stay in painful situations; at least they're predictable. They're less frightening than the darkness of the desert. We stay in jobs that are boring or stressful. We endure unhappy relationships. We cling to the familiarity of old beliefs and attitudes that we're ready to outgrow. One belief that keeps us close to the campfire is that we need to be prepared for any experience away from the fire. We want to take our flashlight and hunting knife along.

Ducking is a desert technique (from sand storms). Sometimes the ducking we do is around our campfire. The sparks are flying, but we put on our safety goggles and huddle even closer to the familiar pain. Our health is failing, but we ignore the warning signs. Our relationship is loveless, but we don't try to change anything. This type of ducking is called DENIAL. It keeps us close to our campfire when we really should be stepping away. The trick is to know when to duck. The essential question to ask yourself is this: Does ducking this blow allow me to go deeper into my desert or does it stop the journey?


Her misplaced guilt was a classic example of a false border. She had a false belief that blocked her from living the life she desperately wanted. Sherrie could not look her border guard in the eye. She was terrified. She once admitted that the shame of leaving her parents would be worse than dying. And yet, she was dying by staying.

When we consciously cross a desert, we become nomads. Not only do we know how to cross our specific desert, but we've also acquired a deeper understanding of life itself. Pause and reflect on what you've learned. Just as you may have needed a nomad's support, now others can benefit from your hard-won experience and wisdom. Take the time to integrate your experience, weave it into your life, and share it.

Finally, when a desert ends, we need to question the compass heading we've been following and determine if it's still relevant to our lives. If we do not notice that the desert has ended, we risk following a compass heading merely because it's habitual and not because the direction has meaning.

Not only ARE HOT SHOWERS RELAXING, BUT THEY ARE ALSO CLEANSING. That CLEANSING IS IMPORTANT AFTER WE HAVE CROSSED THE DESERT OF GRIEVING FOR A LOVED ONE. If WE DON'T NOTICE WHEN OUR HOT SHOWER HAS ARRIVED, WE MAY BECOME IDENTIFIED WITH OUR GRIEF, AND IT CAN BECOME A PERMANENT PART OF WHO WE ARE. A hot shower helps us to clean away the residue of our sadness and move beyond the desert

Now I'm a painter and decorator!

Over the Christmas holidays, I have set about finishing the summer renovations in my office that began at the end of July.  Yes, that's what I said, the end of July, when a wall was taken down!  (Hey, when you're getting things done for free and doing them yourself, that's the way it is.),  I cancelled my trip to Rhode Island because I couldn't face another day living with the mess and chaos of what had become my daily surroundings. (I'm going in a few weeks.)  It was presentable for clients; some would say that it looked like a busy, professional office.  Problem was, I knew that behind my desk and around my feet were boxes of files that I refused to put away until I'd found the time to dig through them properly.  Shredder here I come!  (BTW, does it get better than Neil Young's Harvest Moon album?!  That and red wine should have me up half the night again!)

It's been 2 and a half years since purchasing this building and I still hadn't found a proper mirror for the office bathroom, and had procrastinated on wallpapering and adding the final touches.  I've promised myself many things these past months, and among them was that I would head into work on January 4th, 2010 with, at least, a clean slate where my daily surroundings were concerned; I desperately needed to adjust my Qi (pronounced Chee); my space needed aligning in every sense of the word.

This a picture of one of the drywalled corners, which I sanded and remudded once since my brother-in-law Randy put the drywall up.

To the left, along the door, was the major mudding spot.  Between the door frame and the light switch, all along the doorway, was a hole caused by installing a new jam, and hanging the door, which Randy did to perfection. It was too small for a piece of drywall, so we used meshing and plastered on top of it.  This required at least 5 sessions of plaster or mud, followed by sanding.  Every time you do this, your room is destroyed with a fine mist of white powder.  It's just not something that you can do on any day, because you have to have time to clean again before clients come in!

Unfortunately, I downloaded a program called Double Twist to use with my Blackberry, and it has screwed up my photos.  I am really peeved about this because I had some great shots to post.  Hopefully, in the days to come, I will somehow be able to retrieve them from that damn program and put them back into other photo folders.  Here is what I can get as of Jan 1:

version 1

v2

        version 3

Back wall:

version 1

v2

version 3

Ah...... and here is the bathroom final shot because that's all I can retrieve!

It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it!!  Hopefully I can post the one of me sandwiched between the wall and toilet!  At the very least, it'll be good for a laugh.  (Now, Bon Jovi's Make a Memory is playing;  I did, I did make a memory, John.)  BTW, the mirror was a gift of love from my step-dad for Christmas.  It hides an ugly fuse box.  Now, mom, I have a 'professional' bathroom...thank you for the measuring!

Merry Christmas 2009 Happy Holidays

As most of you will know, this is a first! I can’t recall the last time I managed to get this note out BEFORE Christmas; before children perhaps? Regardless, maybe it’s the start of something new….but don’t count on it! I just have so many things that I want to make sure that I get done over the next two weeks, like having fun with the kids, going to movies, skating at Market Square, redecorating the office, writing a business plan, getting rid of the piles of paper…that I wanted to get this in while life at work has slowed.

Twice recently, I have heard criticism of these ‘newsletter’ type letters that some of us send over the holiday season. On the talk show, The View, Whoopi was criticizing them for their lack of personal touch, and a friend once said that they were ‘brag letters’ because no one ever tells you anything bad in them. Both fair criticisms however I would add four things to their cynical views: 1. It’s better than nothing at all, which is what you’d get if I had to write you each even a paragraph 2. It’s much more rewarding for me, as I only write things once, hopefully well, versus over and over dozens of times, in a scribbled hand writing 3. You get a few pictures and get to share in our life a little, in an era of poor communication among friends across the miles and 4. I get to reflect on the past year with gratitude for being alive and to tell you that if you get this letter, you are important to me in one way or another, for which I am also grateful.

Since I’ve thought for days about how I’d phrase the ‘bad’ news in our life this year, I might just as well tell those of you who do not know yet, that Scott and I separated this past winter. Given that this is never an easy transition for anyone involved, all of us have had many moments of sadness and loneliness over the past 10 months. It has been a huge transition, and we all seem to be on the downhill slope at this stage. We’ve never been “normal” in many ways, starting with the obvious, and as such, our lives apart have been unusually amicable, as we tread the winding road of being friends but not lovers, with the boys as our compass. Sadly perhaps, in being apart, we will learn the mutual respect that we had trouble rediscovering in marriage.

This Christmas, the four of us will be with my mother, as well as my best friend and her son, in the country, for a fairly non-traditional festive meal of cabbage rolls, perogies, baked beans and ham. My father will travel to Rhode Island to be with sister and family, who welcomed a new baby into their lives on December 16th. Matthew weighed 9 lbs and didn’t take long to enter this world! At some point, in a window of good weather through Syracuse, I will head down for the New Year, to visit with him and Rachel for a few days.
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As for holidays, we managed to get a few in together at the beginning of the year, firstly to Orlando via New York City (of which I spoke in last year’s note), and then skiing in Maine. In May, I was invited to travel to Ireland, to meet up with a friend who was adjudicating at the Cork International Choral Festival and spent my time there, as well as in a cottage in Waterville and in Dublin. The weather, outside of my time in Dublin, was miserable! The Irish don’t believe in heat the way we do in Canada, and much of the time, I had that ‘chilled to the bone’ feeling, regardless of whether I was outside or inside the cottage. Then there’s the driving! By the time I returned to Dublin, I’d eaten most of my stomach and was a bundle of nerves. Go, drive around the Ring of Kerry or across the Conor Pass, you’ll understand! On the bright side, the music in Cork was the sort that ‘blows your mind’. Although our children sing in one of the best choral music education programs in the country, I was astounded at the calibre of youth singing on the international stage. No matter what we do in life, there is always more to aspire towards. Dublin is a beautiful city, with a thriving Arts community, and talented musicians at every corner. And then there’s the people….if you’ve ever been, you will also understand. They’re like our Newfies, friendly beyond belief, hilarious and just so down-to-earth that they make you feel instantly comfortable in a bar or in a taxi or at the gallery.

By far, the most interesting part of the trip for me was the people. And in fact, not just the Irish people, but tourists as well. Over the months, I’ve reflected on the conversations and interactions that I had, in so many places, with much fondness. I have a few new Facebook friends from around the world, all of whom I have much in common with. I’ve also decided that they definitely have THE FRIENDLIEST cab drivers ever! I heard stories about their children, the Christian Brothers, a man who’s wife died of a brain aneurism and left him to raise the children, one just an infant, friends travelling to Canada to teach who got pregnant and are now living at home again, and the ever-popular topics of weather and politics. Wow, don’t get them started on politics! If you love classical music, tune into RTE lyricfm, if you want to hear lots of people arguing over the waves, tune into RTE Radio 1! At least that’s the way it was at Pete’s Café where we drank tea, ate scones, and shivered while surfing the net, chatting on messenger, and trying, in vain, to download our pictures!

Over the summer, Scott went camping and boating with the boys, from Kingston to Ottawa, on the newly anointed World Heritage Site, The Rideau Canal. They all connected with nature, and then the boys did a road trip with me to Mystic, Connecticut for a little getaway and a family reunion in Newport, Rhode Island during the Jazz Festival. Both are beautiful communities, but the boats in Newport will blow your mind, even if, like me normally, you couldn’t care less. Before the summer was over, we’d spent two weeks with a Spanish exchange student, and had lots of fun on the knee board.

In particular, this fall has gone by very quickly, in large part because I have been really busy between the boys, work, and travelling for business (Banff, Toronto, Ottawa) and volunteering. My commitment as Chair at church is mostly over. I found this role to be less than meaningful, to say the very least. It was an experience, and I will learn and grow from it; sometimes, when you are at the top, it can be very lonely. On the other hand, my commitment to Cantabile is always rewarding, so Hey, I won’t despair just yet. I will however, need someone…..or two or three…….to wrap my knuckles if I get myself overloaded like that again. Problem is that I can’t help myself: I already know what the next commitment is going to be, and Ben and I have begun to discuss a trip to Africa at Christmas next year to work in an orphanage and school, in a country where the life expectancy is 29 due to AIDS! With that one though, we go, we give our time, and we leave, forever changed. So on all fronts, it should be meaningful. (I suspect that next year, you’ll be getting the New Year letter again!)

The boys are both doing very well. Graham is in grade 8, and active in the Drama Club, as well as basketball, volleyball and soccer teams. He continues to sing in Scott’s choir weekly at church. Following on the heels of winning the Drama Award last June, for his personal project this year, he has decided to write, direct and star in his own play. This will take him the full academic year to accomplish and forms a very important part of the curriculum at his school. He will be taking the odd lesson from our friend Rob, at the Canadian Stage Company, and if he twists my arm just a little, we may have to go see a play in NYC again this year. (Oh ya, I snuck in two trips there this year too!)

Ben is in grade 10 and has graduated into the new Sound Man at KCVI. He gets to run the mics and play DJ at the semi-formals and coffee houses. After 11 years studying violin, he decided that guitar is his new love. We trust that the years of musical training will serve him well in his musical life. His artistic side has him excelling in graphic design and marketing courses, and putting up with math and history! After a highly successful winter last year, he plans to ski for the varsity team in January and row in the spring. Last spring, he had an amazing opportunity to work with the sound company that participated in the launch of The Tragically Hip’s new album in Cineplexes across the country, and with our man George Snufalufagus from CBCs The Hour! (Sorry, that’s just what I call him!)

Because this is a letter about being honest, and not just mentioning the good stuff: I could wring their necks some days! They get mouthy, fart, burp, swear, sneak laptops into their room to get on Facebook at bed times, have parties when you’re away, lie, roll their eyes at you and look at you like you’re Medusa, and have that ‘what the hell do you know anyhow’ or ‘you’re so lame’ look on their face. So things are pretty normal in our house, I figure! Some days can be pretty frustrating, no doubt. But I know, because I’m their mom, and I can see into their souls by way of their eyes, that they will be good citizens of the world, who will love their parents and be good parents themselves, who will appreciate all the wonderful opportunities that they’ve been given, and who will treat others with dignity and respect and will find what makes them happy. (At least, I’m pretty sure.)

All of us wish you and your clan the very best in 2010. May you seek meaning and purpose always, and ensure that you spend your days doing what you love to do, as long as it puts food on the table, clothes on your back and keeps the hearth warm and toasty!

Hugs and Namaste,

Steph

13 December 2009
"It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

That song has been playing in my head for many days now. I just can't get it out!!! All the snow from Wednesday is just about gone and what it left is all dirty. I will post my Christmas letter here shortly, once I'm done, but I wanted to get a recent picture of the boys to you.

Getting up early to go for a walk in my new Reebok Goretex shoes!

Hugs, Steph

Chamber of Commerce-Rogers Breast Cancer Research Golf Day

This pic was taken on Thursday, September 15th, 2009 at the Colonnade Golf and Country Club. left to right is Tracey from Empire, Colleen from WIlkinson, myself, and Julie from Wilkinson Accounting Firm.

What a great event sponsored by Kingston's Chamber and Rogers. No stone was left unturned and the food was amazing. You can imagine the din and laughter of 200 women in a room, but what you could not have imagined was the din and laughter, among other things, of 200 women spread over an 18-hole golf course. Normally golf courses are so prim and staunchy, but this one was full of FUN. We were among the few foursomes who had not dressed up either in pink or in full costume regalia.

A great day indeed, if a little chilly, and for a great cause.